Going from the plague... to Central Park!

Wow, that last post was a little intense, wasn't it?!  Yikes.  Thank goodness things have improved from that sad state of yuckiness!  Like any journey, things did go even more downhill with a 10 day illness, more snow, more freaking shoveling, and more work stress than most people could handle.  But now, my journey is starting to head back up!

After being sick for 10 days and running  total of 10 miles, I decided to still go ahead with the Central Park Half Marathon.  I was feeling close to 100% again but I was realistic.  My goal of finally going sub-1:50 would have to wait another day.  So I made up a new challenge.  Negative split the race.  Now, most people try and do this during every race, but I can't seem to.  The excitement of the start line, the crowds, the energy, and the pressure to achieve a certain time goal always influence my fast race starts.  But this time, I had no time goal.  I just wanted to pull off a 13.1 mile training run with a couple hundred buddies and get a cool medal at the end.  So my goal was to go out conservatively at an 8:45 pace and after Harlem Hill (the steepest hill of the course) around mile 8, see how I feel and go fast from there.  I have done a ton of 2 mile repeats in my training so I was crossing my fingers that I could go at a decent clip without dying.

I started off steady and focused.  My first 8 miles went like this:
8:50
8:37
8:43
8:47
8:48
8:57 (Cat Hill)
8:44
8:59 (the dreaded Harlem Hill)
I felt completely focused and strong and I was not exerting too much effort, except for the hills.  My HR was a little high for this pace, but I blame the plague I had. After HH, I was feeling really good so I went for it! Miles 9-13.1:
8:47
8:14
8:33 (Cat Hill for a second time!)
8:25
8:00

I had some nice descending miles going on minus the little (or large) blip of Cat Hill for a second time.  I just plain felt awesome.  My fastest mile was the very last and I seriously felt like I could have run a few more miles!  So I guess THAT is what it feels like to hold back the first half of the race.  It was a pretty awesome feeling to be passing so many people in those last miles.  I absolutely adore running in Central Park.  That is probably the thing I miss most since we've moved to the Jersey burbs.

It was a great feeling to be feeling great again as well as pulling off a strong race!  Now, my race schedule has changed a bit. I waited a tad too long to sign up for the Galveston 70.3 in April and it sold out. Doh!  So now my hubby is still going to Texas to visit our friends in Houston and I'm making it a solid training weekend down the shore by my parents. I'm hoping to bike on the CAC course on the Saturday and then run the AC April Fool's Half Marathon on Sunday. I'm excited to try and break my sub-1:50 goal on what's sure to be tired legs.  Bring it!!

The cold hard truth of ironman training

I gave in this morning.  The cold. The snow. The ice. The lack of sleep. The stress. The 10+ hour workdays.  The shoveling. The commute. I gave in to all of that this morning.  This was not my finest moment.  I gave in to self doubt.  I gave in to the feeling that I made a huge mistake by signing up for another 140.6.  I let really horrible, and I mean HORRIBLE, thoughts take over my brain and my body.  Most of it was about my body.  About how weak I was. Mentally. Physically.  About how I weighed too much. About how my races will suffer because I eat too much and don't train enough. If I couldn’t handle a 1:30 bike workout, how am I gonna handle 140.6 miles of racing? 

There are highs and lows during an ironman race and I need to be able to dig myself out of the lows.  I know this.  I trained for an ironman in 2011.  I know better.  But today, I lost a battle.  I lost the battle of my mind.  Could I have pushed harder on the bike today?  I just don’t know.  I’ve been pretty stressed, not sleeping well and waking up at 5am every weekday is cutting the hours I sleep way down. I’m a sleeper.  Sleep fuels me.  I need at least 7 hours.  Do I get that now? Nope.  Some people can function on less.  I’m not one of those people.  But when I get home from work at 8pm and still need to take care of the dog and cook dinner, I’m not hitting the hay until 10-11pm.  Do I fall asleep right away?  I used to.  Not anymore.  Too many things are on my mind.

Do you want to know how badly I gave in?  I’m normally a happy-go-lucky gal that looks for the positives in situations.  Today? I cried. Twice.  I got so worked up I started to have a panic attack and couldn’t breathe.  What the heck is wrong with me???  That’s not me.  That’s not a trait of my personality. Then I cut my workout in half, soft pedaled til I hit 45 minutes, yelled at myself (out loud) and went upstairs.  Woke my husband up by telling him what a shitty morning I was having and changed into cold weather gear.  I had shoveling to do.  I told him not to help and that I needed to be alone. I opened up the door to a swirl of ice & rain on top of 7 inches of snow. Not so nice things came out of my mouth. I shoveled.  I almost cried again.  It was hard work.  My back hurt.  I cursed my house.  I cursed the burbs.  I cursed mother nature.  Finally I gave in to needing help.  I yelled back in the house that I need my husband to help because it was all just too much for me to shovel (or take.)  Then I bitched and moaned some more once he came out. I picked a fight. I apologized.  I tried to keep my mouth shut. Tried to keep my mind shut. It didn’t work.  Finally we were done.  I took a shower and just hoped that all my negative energy would be washed down the drain with my sweat and tears.  I’m not sure they were….

I know I signed up for this lifestyle.  I am grateful that I have an able body that can swim, bike, run and shovel. It could be worse.  I get it.  But sometimes… I have shitty mornings. Sometimes I give in to the negative, downright nasty, thoughts.  My only hope is that I can pull myself out of this funk.  It’s been building up for a while.  It burst this morning. I burst this morning.  Hopefully I can put the pieces of my positive mindset back together.  And soon. 

At least my snowy suburban house looks pretty.  That's something right?!

I know I've only posted 3 times and this one is a major doom & gloom post.  I wanted to get these thoughts down while they were fresh. Before this morning's meltdown happened, I was going to write a January month in review post praising my consistency and dedication.  It's crazy how things can change in a blink of an eye. Training for a long distance event is not easy and I'm sure I'll go back to being happy and positive very soon!